and
Why ALL the Options are Important
This is another article/story written from my heart and home. I am sorry that this article took a little longer than I expected. The “issues” section became longer than expected, silly me! Therefore, this article will be a two-parter.
A Fairy Tale…
Once upon a time, in the Land of Great Opportunity, there lived a boy and a girl who were in love. Their parents all had decent, middle income jobs. They both lived in decent, middle income homes. They lived in a safe community and attended the well funded, local public school. They participated in the typical teenage lifestyles of school, homework, hanging out with friends, calling their friends and spending time together as boyfriend and girlfriend.
The boy lived with his younger sister and single mother. The mother was fairly observant, and on shirtless days began to notice some rather strange markings on her son’s back. Upon inquiry, her fears were realized. “The Talk” was given. But alas, reason and conversation weigh little in the company of youthful hormones…
One afternoon, while she sat in her bedroom dealing with her duties as a public school teacher, her son asked if he could “talk” with her. She was told that his girlfriend was pregnant; that they had just found out. While she was honored that he came to her first, of all the adults he could have approached with his news, she was still understandably disturbed. The conversation between them then followed a rather simple idea: of the three options before the young couple, she would support two of the three. IF the third option was chosen, she would not be happy, but would support him/them anyway. Love was a part of the conversation, and they parted as well as the circumstances allowed.
Obviously, while he had discussed the pregnancy with his mother, the pregnant girl was the one with ALL of the burden of decision. She decided on Adoption. She bravely bore the pregnancy in a public school setting, with him by her side. They looked at the adoption choices they had, made their decision, and acted.
They decided on an Open Adoption and proceeded to interview prospective couples. They even allowed his mother to sit in on one of the interviews. As it turned out, that was the couple they chose for their unborn child. A nurse and a firefighter. Financially secure, in a good community, with a long and happy marriage. Idyllic.
Time passed and the day of delivery arrived. Family gathered in the hospital hallway and listened, anxious and hopeful. He was in the delivery room with her the entire time, and watched as she bore his beautiful daughter into this world. Safe and sound, both were recovering and the family was let in. Tears, hugs, awe and reverence abounded.
Sadly, this is where the story becomes strained… The adopting nurse worked at the delivery hospital, and all of the staff were aware of whose child was being delivered. The adoptive parents had been given a room in the hospital to stay in and wait. The time of final decision was at hand. Would the young mother let her newborn baby girl be adopted? The adoptive parents were let into the room and allowed to see their new daughter. Tensions rose as the tears changed from happy to sad. For the young couple, it was the death knell for their potential young family. For the adoptive couple? It was a moment of celebration after the empty desert of unfulfilled parental dreams. Such an odd mix of emotions to be had in such an atmosphere of life and love.
I am crying as I type this, since I am the teenage boy’s mother.
The end finally came. The decision made. The adoptive parents were allowed to take the beautiful little girl home with them. Names were given and prayers answered… For them. For the young mother who left her child at the hospital? She faced the hormone driven guilt and despair known only to mothers who have given up or lost their children.
What You Need to Know about Postpartum and Post-Adoption Depression | American Adoptions Blog |
Time Heals… But This is Reality.
Time heals all wounds, but only on the surface. The boy and girl remained together for quite some time afterwards. Eventually they parted and life went on. But he never talked about his daughter. And if he did, you could “see” the empty spot in his soul the little girl left behind. As for his mother, she too felt “empty”. No knitting projects for special little girls. No pictures on the mantle piece of toothless grins and pigtails. No one to call her “Gigi” and run to her for a special hug. Life goes on, time heals, but the empty spot never goes away.
This is a fairy tale adoption. The adoption of a healthy, Caucasian little girl to two middle class, hard-working Caucasians who had tried for years to have a child of their own and finally made the decision to adopt. THIS is a fairy tale adoption.
Do All Pregnancies Have Fairy Tale Endings?
But what about ALL the other pregnancies? Are all pregnancies wanted? Are all pregnancies planned and prepared for with eager parents waiting for their little angel to be born? And even if the pregnancy is wanted, was it planned for? In today’s social and economic settings, can the expectant parents take care of themselves, let alone the life of their unborn child? SO many issues that can influence an expectant mother’s decision, issues that would make carrying the unborn child to term questionable. And do the well-meaning, financially and familial’y secure voters and politicians take any of this into account? No. And that is the sad but truthful fact that no amount of “good intentions” can gloss over.
Just a Few Issues Facing Pregnant Women…
Here is a random “sampling” of potential issues that any single woman or couple might face during pregnancy.
Pregnancy discrimination was the first to pop up when I googled “social issues facing pregnant women”. “Pregnancy discrimination occurs when a woman is treated unfairly due to pregnancy, childbirth or a medical condition related to their pregnancy”. I saw this first hand when a young couple I was friends with at work ended up pregnant. The wife’s schedule began to change without warning, creating “attendance” issues. She eventually quit and sued the employer. I recall they won… Who knew that even trying to hold onto a job while pregnant could be so precarious?
15 Important Issues Women Still Face at Work (careeraddict.com)
Heart Disease due to overall poorer health. I was not expecting this one, but I am not too surprised. “A study, published in the Journal of the American Heart Association, measured risk factors for cardiovascular disease among pregnant women living under multiple adverse social conditions, including economic instability, low education levels, high psychological distress, unstable housing, food insecurity, insufficient access to quality health care, and a lack of social support. These factors are collectively referred to as the social determinants of health.”
Social Determinants of Health – Healthy People 2030 | health.gov
The article also talked about the effects of Obesity, Diabetes, and “insufficient physical activity”, as well as the socioeconomic factors. I guess living in the US is taking a toll on pregnant women? Not specifically, but being pregnant is NOT easy on the female body regardless of your GPS location on earth.
Maternal health – GLOBAL (who.int)
Of course, the above reference blanketed heart disease, pregnancy and “adverse social conditions”… Let’s get a little more specific.
Teen pregnancies. I don’t know what more I could add to this that the stats don’t already say. My son and his girlfriend were 16. You can read the stats below. If you add domestic abuse, dating violence, incest… Just typing this is depressing. The teen pregnancy *stats in the US are as follows:
In 2019, there were “17” girls out of 1000, ages 15-19, who gave birth.
In 2019, more non-white girls gave birth than white girls, by more than double.
Only about 50% of teen mothers graduate from high school.
Children of teenage mothers tend to be incarcerated or unemployed adults.
8 Major Issues Facing Women Today (thoughtco.com)
Adolescent pregnancy (who.int)
This 1992 medical article stated that 2/3 of the study’s sample of pregnant adolescents in the state of Washington had been sexually abused. “Among the finding are that abused women are 3 times more likely than nonabused women to have children that are maltreated and are more likely to have repeat pregnancies. Sexual victimization may account for the continuing high rates of teenage pregnancies, and prevention efforts need to include interventions for this effect.” While I acknowledge the article is a little old, I doubt the information gleaned has changed too much.
Sexual abuse as a factor in adolescent pregnancy and child maltreatment – PubMed (nih.gov)
Violence Against Women Prevalence Estimates (who.int) Download
Poverty. Having volunteered at homeless kitchens and ran my own homeless hot meal program through my church for five years, this one is also personal for me. Trust me, you get families as well as individuals coming through. But it should come as no surprise that poverty has a HUGE effect on the pregnant mother and her offspring. Poor nutrition, poor access to education, housing, clothing, domestic or community violence… Even the effects of stress that are well known for adults can have detrimental effects on the unborn child.
Poverty during pregnancy: Its effects on child health outcomes – PMC (nih.gov)
Exposures to Poverty and Crime in Pregnancy | Psychology Today
But What About These Issues?
Each of these topics could be multi page articles in and of themselves. I do not have time do to justice to each one. Please peruse any and all of the links provided to learn anything additional. Please feel free to leave polite inquiries and comments below. But it is also obvious that I have barely touched the surface of the “issues” that can influence a mother’s decision to carry her child to term. What about…
Economics? Cost of living, Inflation, food, clothing, housing, healthcare, specialty items like diapers, formula, DAYCARE… Seriously!
Colorado residents will no longer need to pay sales tax on diapers and menstrual products | CNN
Average Cost of Child Care by State | Move.org
Parenting? Not everyone wants to be a parent. Not everyone CAN be a parent. Child abandonment, Grandparents raising grandchildren… I know someone who dropped her child off at Mom’s house and then never picked the child back up.
Child Abandonment – Definition, Examples, and Types (legaldictionary.net)
Children living with grandparents U.S. 2020 | Statista
Health issues of the mother? The obvious “Life of the Mother”, “Rape”, “Incest”.
Health and viability of the fetus? Should the fetus even be born?
Enough. Judgement. Assumption.
Enough. Enough of the stats and links. Enough of the overwhelming and depressing “issues”. At this point, I feel that this is enough to be going on without being emotionally overwhelmed. I provide these issues to be fodder for the thought process, grist to grind down the totem pole of social familial perfection that IS the American Dream: a Good Job, a Good Home, a Happy Marriage and your 2.5 Children playing in the back yard with your pet. NOT.
And let’s be truthful… When you REALLY get to know the facts about something/someone, anyone, the “one”; are they really all they’re cracked up to be? Why are the tabloids so popular? Because “You” wanna get the dirt to feel better about yourself. Not a very kind or forgiving state of mind, but very human. I, myself, confess that I do look at the Award-Carpet-Pictures in the tabloids. If someone INTENTIONALLY goes out like that, then yeah, I’m gonna look and “judge”. But to judge someone by their misfortunes? “There but for the grace of God…”
How many Americans live in poverty? (usafacts.org)
Social Determinants of Health – Healthy People 2030 | health.gov I am repeating this one… Things The Comfortable People take for granted.
The End… Of Part One.
Obviously, I have only written about Pregnancy and the issues that make pregnancy a challenge. I have not even touched the Options I discussed with my son that are available to pregnant women in this article. I will save that for PART TWO in the next article.
To end Part One, though, I want to include a link to the Everlast Song “What It’s Like” with lyrics. This is the perfect song that sums up some of the issues I mentioned, issues that “the well-meaning, financially and familial’y secure voters and politicians” never seem to take into account. Pity. Something about putting your money where your mouth is comes to mind! Or stones and glass houses. Or Pots and the Kettle Black. Too many analogies!
I love this song, even though it makes me cry e v e r y t i m e I hear it.
Well written-I would like to know more about how open adoption worked out for your family. Was staying in touch easy? Or did life make it hard on both families.
I know that the Adoptive parents allowed the Birth Parents contact for the first year or two. I seem to recall that the Birth Mother was wanting to be more involved, understandably. I believe that eventually led to a cooling and distance between the families. I know that over the years random contact was made due to a few health issues of the child.
As a follow up, when she turned 18 this summer, she made efforts to connect with her Birth Parents. I proudly have her picture with my son on my phone. Thank you.
Besides being informative and insightful, this personal sharing and viewpoint is once again heartbreaking. I know you are the complex and beautiful individual you are because of that experience you’ve had as it is with all of us. However, not everybody can keep on moving forward gleaning new experiences and on such wide ranging topics. You are a great writer! Keep it coming!
Thank you again. At this point in my life I have realized that I have had quite a few experiences and that I have learned a lot from them. That’s why I am enjoying this blog. I get to share my broad point of view and hopefully stimulate some dialog in people who might have had different views before reading my blog. Love!